Zee Cornelius

Hello February. You’ve come too soon. It’ll mark the 5th year of me being Mrs Cornelius in less than 2 weeks now.

When I didn’t have the time to key in my thoughts, I had a whole lot to say. But now that I do have the time with the keyboard underneath my fingers, I seem to be at loss for the thoughts I had.

I supposed, the calendar turn to the new year has been quite eventful. Well, a whole month of the new year had just passed in what seemed like a few blinks of the eye. And I’d like to say, we’ve settled in to our new home, for now. Not exactly ours but it sure is a better home for now.

We started our new year in a new environment.

Nadia & Imran, along with their little bundle of joy (oh he is sure a great bundle of joy!) have welcomed us into their new humble home. Though our room is so much smaller than what we’re used to, we have more space around the house.

After all the drama leaving the Toa Payoh house, under circumstances that seemed rather at our disadvantage, we are  truly grateful for having a place to live.

There’re definitely adjustments that I need to get used to. The almost 3 times longer a journey to the studio is something I am trying to grasp, still. Waking up earlier than usual is a fresh jump-start actually.

I love the atmosphere here in the mornings. The block is right at a corner of a road. All we hear are the droning of vehicles driving past. But it is still peaceful. There’s no unnecessary honking for car park space, nor the incessant go-astern tunes coming from the delivery lorries.

Though I know it won’t last for long, as there will be a development of more blocks of flat right opposite ours, I am soaking it all in.

This half-way mark towards a decade of marriage is perhaps a good milestone. 5 years on, a new change, a new beginning. Things are changing for the better, indefinitely.

Some say, 30s is the new 20s. I don’t quite understand that for when I look back to my 20s, there were much to learn from and mistakes to avoid. At 30, I don’t want to be the indecisive 20 year old me.

The start of being 30 was a little erratical for me. When the Wan kept going that he somewhat had a surprise for me, I didn’t expect to be putting everything away for a day. Being the workaholic (according to Wan) that I am, I found it hard to leave the studio while there were still things to settle. It was the period where we had our first huge project for Singapore Kindness Movement.

I started to see the restlessness in Wan at about 2pm. Though he did ask me to pack for an overnight stay somewhere, I really couldn’t figure out where he’d planned to bring me. When we had a last minute courier to be arranged, he got almost agitated with me. After everything was quickly settled, we got into a cab & to my (first) surprise, we were going to Siloso Beach Resort!

As I was just about to soak everything in as we got into our room; all the planning without me knowing (!!), Wan got a phone call on his mobile asking him to meet at the lobby. When I asked, he said it was to get the iron board & iron we’d requested for. Weird, I thought… Why would they call his mobile instead of the room’s phone?

And so it was his second surprise for me; a bouquet of my favourite sunflowers! The day was really such a rush, and by the time it was dinner, he brought me to my supposed last surprise of the night; cable car ride! Woot!

Though there was a little mishap; my pendant dropped along the way as we ran through the rain to get to the shelter – the Wan bought me a lovely replacement.

I supposed I was overall surprised that he managed to still surprise me after all these years.

Being 30, married to the Man I love, working alongside him day to day; is the best thing that can happen to me.

I am truly blessed.

It’s the time of the year again; when it ends. And for Muslims, the Islamic new year comes a month earlier than the Gregorian calendar we all used to.

This Saturday, is 30th Zulhijjah; the last day of the Islamic calendar. And on Muslims will be celebrating the new Muharram month in the new year of 1433.

So for fellow Muslims, here I share the doas in English, Malay & Arabic for end of 1432 year & the new 1433 year. These doas were found on MUIS website but theirs were in MS Word. They got mashed up real bad (especially the Arabic doas) when I opened them in my Mac. So I made them into PDFs instead. Easier for everyone too

To be read any time after Asar & before Maghrib on Saturday 30th Zulhijjah/26th November:

• English: NYE Doa
• Malay: NYE Doa – Malay (Doa Akhir Tahun)
• Arabic: NYE Doa-Arabic

To be read right after Maghrib on Saturday 30th Zulhijjah/26th November:

• English: New Year Doa
• Malay: New Year Doa – Malay (Doa Awal Tahun)
• Arabic: New Year Doa – Arabic

Please share them around with those who might not have them already. Salam Maal Hijrah!

I have always thought I could keep up to write daily. But you get the picture.

Are we so busy socializing via online media that we tend to forget we need time to ourselves? We are so engrossed in our palm-devices that we actually cultivated less frequent look-up attitude. Even when we’re in conversation, we would be not facing our fellow converser but rather, into our palm-device.

I am guilty of growing into a bad friend. Seldom meeting up or communicating with my friends unless we are talking business. The only communication I’ve had mostly in the late, is through this palm-device of mine.

I love hugs and I miss giving them to my closest friends. I miss friend-ly interaction.

Besides having this ridiculously engrossing palm-device winning my attention, I have hopelessly devoted my energy to my job.

This started gradually in late March 2011 when we moved into our Design Studio. Now, I believe my friends have forgotten that I actually exist in the real world. I am just an online presence mostly.

All these devotion of energy & attention to my job & this palm-device reminds me of the Wan’s frustration on my birthday.

That, my friend, will have to be told in a different post. I hope it won’t take until 2012

In the last couple of days before the number to my age turns a new decade, I couldn’t help but reminisce the last ten years.

At the time when my relationship with my mom was the most volatile, I found solace in music. I was just beginning to frequent local bands’ gigs. Ten years ago was also when mIRC saw its light years.

My intensive music education started just 2 months before I turn 20.

It was when I heard my first Roots tune, know of the existence of Lali Puna, and introduced to heavy music other than hardcore; drum&bass.

I learnt from being just a girl to a woman of responsibilities in these last ten years. After six years of dating and four years of marriage, I have gone through tremendous changes.

My relationship with Mom has improved so much eversince I moved into my marital home. In the beginning of the last decade, I wouldn’t be dreaming of the day I’d talk about sex with Mom. The topic now is a breeze to broach.

I had gone from being unsure of my career path to owning a design studio. I was the only one back then among friends who was carefree about relationship but now happily married.

Perhaps all that love and music changed my life. But essentially, I attained more religious knowledge than I’ve ever had imagined before.

I am truly blessed having the love & support of my parents and family members. I am blessed even more to have found a husband who loves me unconditionally.

The last decade has taught me well. Friends come and go but good friends are the ones who’d continue the past conversation without asking why he/she hasn’t heard from you for so long; just because they already know why.

Here’s to a greater decade ahead and to more love & music, and faith!

What a week this is turning out to be.

DaddyO left for Kuala Terengganu yesterday alone. He missed his connecting flight in KLIA. That was exasperating enough knowing he, a stened patient, actually ran all the way from the passport customs to the check-in counter. Only to be turned away without even any help.

He’d decided to go alone as no one else could take the time off. His diabetic elder brother was hospitalised & had his leg amputated due to an injury wound infection.

At around the same time DaddyO missed his flight, came the news of my eldest BIL got stung by hornets.

He was only given painkillers yesterday.

Today, my grandma was instructed by the polyclinic’s Dr to proceed to KTPH’s A&E as her heartbeat wasn’t regular and her fever was high.

My eldest nephew whose fever has been persistent since 5 days is now suspected to have been infected with dengue fever. His father, my BIL who was stung by hornets, is being referred to A&E too as the stung area has swelled up.

I am praying for the best for my family. It’s like so many things are happening in a span of just two days.

Rabbi yassir wala tu’assir.

In my hiatus period, I did wish I’d somehow gotten my memories automatically recorded themselves onto my blog. Most times I worry I might forget what had happened in those moments. I’ve had a fair share of drafts in my blog. Written half-way through, they were forgotten of alot quicker than my memories.

The last 7 months in my life have zoomed past through quickly, yet not uneventful.

My husband and I travelled to places we’d never been to in a span of 4 months. Bandung & Jakarta of Indonesia and Krabi of Thailand. Those were two trips we went with a group of his friends.

We then celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary in February, and then our 10th year together as a couple.

And as of today, we’ve been managing our own design studio for 5 months.

Had someone asked me 2 years ago; when we officially registered PlayPause as our business, if we’d have our own studio by now, I would have answered no.

I supposed fate works in its own myterious ways in the hands of God Almighty, Allah. We’ve never stopped being thankful of the opportunities that have been served up on our plates.

We’ll always have our ups & downs in business, but MasyaAllah, things are really picking up fast this month. There’s no deny that positive things always happen in the month of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah, we’re grateful for the answered prayers.

Now that half the month has past, it’s another race of trying to find the balance to reap the fruits of Ramadhan while working on the earthly responsibilities. Rabbi yassir wala tu’assir. InsyaAllah, amin.

On Thursday, I had an appointment with the gynae or in States, OB/GYN is more used.

The last time I met with the gynae was in October 2010. I was given the dosage of Dydro (Dydrogesterone) to last me a week and right when the medication stopped, I got my mensus for 5 days long. I then began my 1st cycle of Chlomid.

Chlomid was supposed to regulate my mensus too but I didn’t get any bleeding the following month, through this month.

So on Thursday, I was given another cycle of Dydro. This time, I’m given a dosage for 5 days instead of 7 of Dydro. I’ve been feeling very weak. My head hurts, I feel tired. But it’s just the side effects of Dydro, I read.

As I am not specifically seeing one Dr, I got a female gynae this time. I asked her if there’s an alternative I should try and if my weight contributes to the fact I am not getting myself pregnant.

She explained that while weight is a small factor, losing weight might help in some cases she’d seen. But she was keen to put me through the 2nd cycle of cholmid which I’d be taking 2 tablets instead of 1 this time. And if I don’t get pregnant by the 2nd or 3rd cycle, she would suggest for an IUI, then IVF.

I guess it begins the scary thought of going through the process of IUI or even IVF. Thanks to Giuliana & Bill Rancic, we know how tough it is to go through either of these processes.

Am I mentally prepared to go through any of those processes? Am I physically prepared? So much thoughts run through my head after we left the Dr’s.

But as the day goes by, my sadness/moroseness mood was masked with the news of the birth of my 2nd nephew. My elder sister gave birth on 27th Jan 2011, the evening after I’ve met the Dr.

I guess, when you do not have a child of your own yet, cherish the children of your siblings…

People always say, “Count your blessings”. But how many of us truly do count our blessings? If you do, you realize, it’s actually countless!

I’ve learnt to slowly count my blessings and am still trying to dismiss what I do not yet have. The last incident really broke me. I went crazy in my own world.

I got so angry with the fact that after I had been exercising like crazy, watching my diet, nothing happened. I just let it go. I stopped taking my daily meds, I stopped exercising and I stopped hoping and trying.

But that’s not what’s right.

The Wan noticed my mood swings which can only happen when I haven’t been taking my daily medication. Now he’s reminding me every night like an alarm clock to take my necessary.

I look forward to watching Giuliana & Bill on E! these days after finding out the fact that they’ve been going through a hell lot.

While I am struggling to lose weight to get pregnant, I forgot that there are others who struggle to gain weight to get pregnant. And then I suddenly had this “bright” idea to find a support group of people who are TTC (trying to conceive) too. Which after awhile, I realize, it’s not for me.

I don’t like to repeat my whole history. Just thinking about the almost already 10 years of daily medication irks me. I wouldn’t want to tell my story from scratch anymore.

That’s when I am blessed with friends and family I have around me. I just need to talk things out. That was what I learnt last week. Talking things out to people who already understand and know of my situation is a better option for me.

Because I get very emotional and if I start my story from scratch, I might just dry up the tears I have in me. Haha!!

While the Islamic year has ended and today is a brand new day of a brand new year, 1432, I thank Allah for all the blessings, no matter even if they were in disguise, I’ve been bestowed upon with.

• My relationship with my parents strengthened
• My relationship with my husband stregthened
• The opportunities I attained for my business
• The new people I met who shared ideas willingly
• The friends and family members who lent their shoulders for me to cry on and arms for embraces
• The new places I get to see
• The challenges that make me stronger
• The infinite happiness I get everyday
• The infinite lessons I learn every minute
• The infinite blessings.. masyaAllah!

Have faith, don’t despair, for there’s always a reason to everything. Amin!

Salam Maal Hijrah to all Muslims!

I was looking forward to Monday for all the right reasons. But boy was I in for all the wrong answers.

My client’s site was launched with minor errors and worse of all, the one phone call I needed to make was not at all good.

I’m on this course of meds which needs me to take a blood test at the end of the course & then call the hotline to get the result.

“You are not ovulating yet,” the lady on the other line said matter of factly. I supposed she’d lost her empathy having to say the same line to every other call she answered. She’s in the infertility clinic after all.

It wasn’t her who shot me. I shot my own heart & it broke into a million pieces.

I really have failed myself badly this time. I had been so strong & hopeful that I forgot about the cushion I need to break my fall.

I frustrate myself when my weight won’t budge further down even after my weeks of LoseToWin and the past two weeks of intensive badminton sessions. I keep forgetting that I have a condition and am on medication which deter easy weight-loss.

Twice in three days I bawled my eyes out. I had been stronger. But I don’t know why I just crumbled & fall this time. Where has my strength gone to?

After almost 4 years of being married, I thought I’d found my weapon and shield to fight & fend off insensitive remarks of nosey irritating people. I guess the shield wore off and my weapon has gone blunt.

I am completely defeated this time.

Can I please use a life line?