Zee Cornelius

I was looking forward to Monday for all the right reasons. But boy was I in for all the wrong answers.

My client’s site was launched with minor errors and worse of all, the one phone call I needed to make was not at all good.

I’m on this course of meds which needs me to take a blood test at the end of the course & then call the hotline to get the result.

“You are not ovulating yet,” the lady on the other line said matter of factly. I supposed she’d lost her empathy having to say the same line to every other call she answered. She’s in the infertility clinic after all.

It wasn’t her who shot me. I shot my own heart & it broke into a million pieces.

I really have failed myself badly this time. I had been so strong & hopeful that I forgot about the cushion I need to break my fall.

I frustrate myself when my weight won’t budge further down even after my weeks of LoseToWin and the past two weeks of intensive badminton sessions. I keep forgetting that I have a condition and am on medication which deter easy weight-loss.

Twice in three days I bawled my eyes out. I had been stronger. But I don’t know why I just crumbled & fall this time. Where has my strength gone to?

After almost 4 years of being married, I thought I’d found my weapon and shield to fight & fend off insensitive remarks of nosey irritating people. I guess the shield wore off and my weapon has gone blunt.

I am completely defeated this time.

Can I please use a life line?

I used to play competitive badminton back in my primary school days. And ever since then, I’ve never played another proper game of badminton. I’ve always wanted to have a partner/friend to play it with but never found one.

During one of our Mustafa-raiding nights, I decided to check out the badminton rackets. There were cheap ones and I decided to buy one for each of us. We just don’t know when we’d play a game of badminton then.

Now that the 12-week LoseToWin program has ended, I was worried in the beginning that I won’t be disciplined to keep up with sports. But I was pleasantly surprised when our friend booked a court and asked us along.

We’ve started playing badminton on Monday and because it was so much fun, we decided to book for another session yesterday. Today, we booked another session for tomorrow! I’ve gotten addicted to playing badminton! I’m loving it!

And after putting on the extra weight during our KL week, I managed to put them off with the past 2 badminton sessions. If I continue with 3 sessions of badminton in a week, InsyaAllah I can reach my ideal weight by the new year!

Wish me luck!!

I have this huge gut feeling that some other people are either starting to talk or worry about me. Perhaps, they are even doing the countdown to my fourth anniversary which is in four months’ time.

In our last phone conversation, Mom asked me if I’d consider drinking some traditional medicine as an alternative to my doctor’s prescription.

It hasn’t been much of a said-out-loud discussion, but it’s been brought up through medicinal suggestions; be it traditional or second opinion. I appreciate the sensitivity in the topic broach. But sometimes I just would want to not think about it, so that I won’t be all stressed up with the fact that my sister who got married 3 years after I did is all knocked up by now.

I have been trying to avoid the matter or even being physically near someone who’s either pregnant or just gave birth. Because that’s the only way I have learnt, thus far, to avoid this deep sense of yearning which could easily make me tear.

In my bit of trying to help myself first before even thinking of raising a baby of mine, I sometimes tend to forget the fact that my hormonal-defective-self is on a daily medication which makes it a lot more tougher to lose my excess weight as easily as a normal woman would.

For the past 9 years since I’ve been diagnosed with pituitary gland, I’ve been taking Bromocriptine daily. I started from half a pill, to one and somewhere last year, the doctor raised my dosage to 1½ pills. And with my fertility issue, I sometimes need to take extra medication for inducing my mensus.

But somewhere after May this year, I stopped taking the extra pills. I felt like, I’ve been taking too much. I believed that if I lose my excess weight, I’d get myself pregnant naturally, without the need for prescribed medicine.

Seriously, who am I kidding, right?

My struggle to lose my excess weight remains; a struggle. It’s scary how every time I plateau, I will just bounce right back to where I started. It’s getting frustrating. But I do not want to give up just yet. After my recent visit to my Gynae, I decided to just get back to my medication. So I’ve taken Dydro and now Chlomide. I am still struggling and will continue to battle these excess weight to get off my body.

At the same time, I do accept the fact that I need help with my fertility issue and I shouldn’t have stopped the prescribed medication.

Although I’m grateful for my life as it is right now, a bundle of joy would definitely bring more gratitude to my life, won’t it?

InsyaAllah, Amin.

I need a book that talks to me, though not literally. I haven’t been reading & I’ve been feeling somewhat unmotivated. I need a little bit of push.

After my 29th birthday, I’ve been having a whole bout of unsettled feelings. Thoughts have been creeping up my mind slowly, dragging me with them.

Just last week, I thought I’d finally come to terms with my fertility and weight problems. Though I’m tackling my weight issue quite well this time. I can sometimes feel demoralized when my weight-loss is not as much as I expect it to be.

Besides those two issues, I’ve been having thoughts about my future. I know I’ve always wanted to do business but after being in the graphic/web design business for about officially 2 years now, I can’t help but feel jaded. I don’t have the passion to work under others anymore. All I know is I want to have a business that is solely mine (and my husband’s of course) and make the money roll like clock work. We do have some plan up our sleeves and I am slightly worried and excited about it all at the same time.

Then I thought to myself, what do I really want? I’ve ever wanted to be a writer, an author of a book, but my English still have its grammar all over the place.

At one point of my life I wanted so much to be a tourist guide. I did experience tour-guiding a group of 8 from PutraJaya, Malaysia for 3 days in February last year. I enjoyed it much but I think I’d prefer a much smaller group if given another chance.

I haven’t truly figure out what I should be doing. But I am grateful for the life experiences I’ve been going through ever since I’ve been married. I doubt anyone else would endure my persistence in wanting to try out being in a business that doesn’t garner a projected amount monthly.

I guess the Almighty gave me these three years of being without a child yet, with the intent to teach me lessons I need in life. I can never be sure if I’ll be given the gift of a child by next year. But I’ll keep the faith and will keep on trying.

Guess for now, I’ll just keep the faith and keep on looking for the motivation I need. Perhaps then I’ll get my answer.

Or maybe, it’s called quarter-life crisis?

I supposed if I want to lose more weight than I already have and to achieve my ideal weight, I need to do more than just the aerobics classes with Lose To Win. So this morning I started running on the track again.

It’s not as easy as I remember it used to be. Guess my stamina, although improving, is not yet at a good rate. I did 2km in about 15-20mins. I didn’t time myself today cos I don’t have my music with me, nor a proper watch.

Gotta keep this up. I NEED to lose weight to be healthy. No more excuses, no more no more!

Returning to the aerobics session last night after two weeks absence from Lose To Win; a week for Raya’s preparation and a week for Raya, I realized how exercise affects my daily life positively.

After a good workout, I can have a good night’s sleep. My body clock wakes me up after six hours of sleep. It also helps regulate my bowel movement. I noticed this especially during the second week of not exercising. I had a bad constipation period. But after yesterday’s workout, my regular morning routine to the toilet returns!

I don’t feel tired when I wake up in the morning. It was as if I had the beauty of all sleep I’ve ever had! If that made any sense to you at all.

Oh and it definitely make my mind more alert. I have about 8 more sessions (4 weeks) left with Lose To Win. I need to find a group to continue this forever. Anyone wanna join me?

Ever since I first signed up to join Lose To Win, I had my first weigh-in on 4th Sept.

I was so delighted that I have lost 5kg and 9cm off my waist! Now that the fasting month is over, I can push myself further and exercise on more days in a week. All I need is discipline, discipline, discipline!

I can do it, so can you!

On Wednesday, I had my Nutrition 2 workshop by Lose To Win. It was an NTUC Fairprice visit where the nutritionist taught me how to read the label and ingredients list on food packaging. I guess I was lucky to have the rest of the people not attend my session. I was given a one-to-one coaching.

I had the privilege of asking many questions and getting to talk a lil bit more with her.

She did ask if I’d been a chubby baby. Then it dawned on me that I’ve been chubby almost all of my life. The only time I was slim was just before I was in Polytechnic. I took Panbesy and lost like 10-15kg only to regain all of them back. But Thank God for compulsory physical education during year 1 of Poly, I was a healthy slim girl back then.

My slim days were short lived. Towards the end of my Poly education, I got my hormones issue, and my weight just ballooned over. Taking hormones pills also mean, harder weight loss.

But I am determined! I really hope I’ll see better results during the first “weigh-in” this Saturday!

Since the start of August, I’ve been going through this program (or rather, a challenge) with Health Promotion Board – Lose To Win.

I realised that I’ve been battling obesity for almost the whole of my life. I wouldn’t want to reach my big 3-0 still being obese. Thus I’m doing something about it right now. Believe me it’s not easy although last year, during this time I almost reached my target. That was when I was living in PJ, Malaysia for a short while.

I will go through this again and again until I achieve my ideal weight.

I started the program weighing 79kg and now I’m at 75kg. I must say, I’m quite disappointed at how slow I’m losing weight this time although I’m eating much less and exercising more. Furthermore, it’s the fasting month. I should be seeing remarkable results, right?

But I won’t be disheartened. I’ll definitely push myself each and every day.

I had wanted to re-start my regime this week. But (un)fortunately, my worst cramp got the better of me and my almost 5-months-MIA mensus came to light.

I am so psyched & excited to start on my regime again. Definitely, can’t wait for my mensus to be over!